Monday, November 22, 2010

This time there is no turning back

A little while ago I posted about my weight, and my struggle with it, and my decision to join a gym, and change my patterns. That was 5 months ago. And for 2 months, I committed. I went to the gym, I ate right, and then I woke up one morning and I stopped. I didn’t go back to the gym, and I started to eat whatever I felt like {and even some things that I didn’t} I fell back into a pattern of laziness and comfort eating. Its not something new, it’s something that I have always done, and unless I change it now, it’s going to be something that I always do. The move to Auckland has been an amazing one, don’t get me wrong for a second. I love this city, and I love that I can now call it home. But at times, it has proven stressful... and what do I do when I am stressed... I eat. Not only has it proved to be somewhat stressful, at times, it has proven to test me emotionally. And what do I do when I am emotional? Oh you got it! I eat! I eat and I eat and then I eat some more.

About a week and a half ago, I struck what I am now calling rock bottom {at least I hope it doesn’t get any worse than this} I woke up on a Tuesday morning, did my hair, put on a little make up and went to put on my clothes for work, only to realise that I was standing in front of my wardrobe crying. I’m not really sure what made me so upset, but I felt like the weight of the world was {literally} on my shoulders, and I couldn’t shake it off. I have realised, once again, that I cannot go on like this, that I am not this person, that this is not my life.

So. I find myself back at the beginning and the owner of a new gym membership. This time a woman only gym. I’m back to the task of convincing myself that going to the gym is an awesome idea and that getting sweaty is going to be fun. Back to trying to convince myself that running on the treadmill is better than sitting on the couch, and that eating that salad is going to taste 100 times better than anything else I could possibly want to eat. {if you have any awesome healthy recipes... please share!!} I have support from a friend, who is also starting this journey with me, so we are in this together, but I know that it’s all down to me. It’s up to me to make the right decisions, it’s up to me to get my butt off that couch, it’s up to me to make the positive and necessary change in my life.

I went for my first consultation at the gym yesterday. I stood on the scales and as the number registered in my head, I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away. I don’t know how I have let myself get to this point. But I will never see that number ever again. This is the start of something. Something new and exciting. Something life changing. {it has to be... its going to be}

Now I need your advice. Do you have any great work out tips? Any delicious recipes? Any fast and easy snack ideas that won’t break the bank? Or maybe you have some wisdom that you could share with me? Because right now, Ill take any thing and everything to help make this journey a little less rough.


  1. Eat breakfast everyday! Try steel cut oats and add in some fresh raspberries!
    Grains and greens! try out Quinoa. Its so simple to make, good source of protein and tastes amazing. You can add so many different types of veggies to it or just eat it plain!
    Try and stay away from refined sugars.

    If you want something to help turn you off bad food, try reading "The China Study". After you find out what all of the bad stuff can do to you, hopefully you will be more inclined to stay away from it!

    I wish you well, you will do great :)

  2. Tillie,

    You are an inspiration. I had my own moment such as this. I don't look in the mirror and find myself hideous, but I certainly don't see what other people seem to see - and I'm a huge nerd, so I always worry I'm not engaging, witty or even cool enough.. or thin enough. I hate that I say this-- err, type-- because I know that "it's what's on the inside that counts", but I always feel a twinge around my other friends.

    It's for that reason that I put a lot of effort into my makeup and ensembles; it gives me a little bit of confidence, even if it is somewhat manufactured. Perfume, a cute outfit and a little bit of makeup allow me to carry my head higher, even make me feel a little full of myself at times (usually when I have a soundtrack).

    The other day, my family and I were playing WII and I weighted myself. Instantly, it flashed red "overweight", and my mii character got fatter and fatter on the screen. I smiled and feigned amusement, but it killed me.

    Gosh, it sounds terrible to say that, but it's the truth. I, too, feel like I've hit rock bottom. I suppose the good thing is that there's no where else to go but up?

    I apologize for the novel I've turned into a comment. I just can really really REALLY relate to every single thing you said in this post. Everything.

    I love you, missy. You are a doll, you are wonderful, and you are gorgeous, inside and out.

    Love Always,

  3. No advice, but here if you need to talk. Forming healthy habits can be hard, but once you do, your quality of life will be so much richer. Hang in there, don't be afraid to ask for help and when you're gonna reach for that choccie bar ask yourself if you really need it... is it going to make you feel better after? :)

    Life's too short to feel insecure about our bodies and treat them badly. You can do it Tillie xx Love you!

  4. Tillie I am in the exact same position I went to the gym and ate right for three months and I didnt lose any weight and now I have given up. I know I will talk myself around again but its just so frustrating. Am always here to talk if you need it. I feel trapped in a vicious cycle sometimes but hopefully we can both break it soon.

  5. Lovely lady, I know the feeling. I joined weight watchers a few months ago, lost 12kg and for the first time in my life hit my healthy weight range (last week) but I still have a few more kgs til I'll be 100% happy I think. I've tried so many times to lose weight on a bunch of different diets but I think what changed this time is I honestly just did it for me, not for anyone else.

    I told myself I loved the treadmill for weeks and weeks and weeks until now I actually do genuinely like it, it's me time and I don't have to interact with anybody else (doesn't happen often). The feeling I get afterwards is so worth it and when people start to notice it just gives you more motivation, although hiking up hills from the beach to the car without getting short of breath is honestly motivation enough. I also do a few different classes (with a friend, I'm way too chicken to go alone) we do dance energy and boxfit, I know the benefits for my body are so much more then just how I look, I can open jar lids now that I'm not so dang weak hahaha... oh there's so much more I could say, I have tonnes of healthy recipes that are super yummy and am here to encourage you any time xx

  6. TILLIE!
    oh how i've missed you and your blog!
    you are so awesome and i know you can do this!! congrats on making the decision! and as for tips a good playlist ALWAYS helps! and i always think about how great i feel after the gym versus how i feel while working out!!
    you can do it girl!
    sending lots of love your way!

  7. You can do this! I'm rooting for you, 100%! I too, am trying to lose weight, and am attempting to eat lots of veggies and fruits. And protein!

    Here is a website that I get a lot of tasty yet healthy recipes from! Hope you find it helpful!

  8. I struggle with my weight too. It's so basic they say, expend more calories then you eat. I know this, but it's harder then ti sounds. But I always do feel better after I exercise and eat a healthy meal. I try and remember that. I wish you luck and hope you start feeling better, mentally and physically

  9. Lovely Tillie,

    It's a struggle and a vicious cycle that I'm in too (and a lot of people are in!) I'm presently in what I call 'the upswing' which is when I'm working out not yet a lot, but at least 1-2x/week... I'm still not eating the very best, but I find that it's working for me. I can't live when I deny myself everything I want and enjoy. I like food and I like cooking. So what I do is I search out healthy versions/substitutions of recipes I use, and more importantly ones I can live with!

    I've also found that investing in a personal trainer has helped immensely. I can't seem to keep the commitment I make to myself, but I feel stink if I let him down and cancel my sessions. He keeps me motivated and honest.
    I'm firming up and slowly the kilos are coming off.

    He recommended an awesome website (which has also been super helpful)

    Good luck. x

  10. I love your blog. It is so inspiring and you're such a great writer.
    I'll come more often

  11. i will definelty be following your journey to becoming healthy. its truly inspiring and i wish you all the best in your quest to feel good.