Monday, June 21, 2010

Wide Load Ahead.

Ive been thinking about whether I should publish this post for the last half an hour. And I have decided that I should, because I know that with this accountability I am less likely to let myself down. And I know {well at least I hope} this will be welcomed with support and encouragement, and if its out in the open, then when I am having a bad day {and just really want a chocolate bar} I will be able to blog about it, and it might be a bit better understood. haha.

Writing about this...topic... is not easy for me, but here we go. I have always been a 'big' girl. I have always been a little overweight, and to be honest, it never really bothered me. Of course, through High School I dealt with the bullys and the people who decided to set their days around making me feel like crap. I guess it was my personality that helped me get through this time, It became easier for me to make fun of myself, or make the joke about something else, and so I guess these years strengthened my humor and ability to make others laugh. I use to brush it off, I mean, it wasnt that much of a big deal. I have been fortunate enough to be able to surround myself with genuinely good people growing up, people that never judged me because of my weight, and never made me feel bad because I wasnt a size 6. I started university much the same way, happy with who I was. I like the person that I am, I like the woman that I have grown into.

Recently however I guess things have changed a little bit. Im not at all saying that I dont like that woman that I am {personally I think I am pretty cool hahahahaha} but im getting to the stage where when I look in the mirror I am no longer happy with the reflection that is staring back at me. Something someone I know recently said also really hurt me, I'm not going to go into it here because I am trying to let it go, but he really did effect me in a way that really cut me. I decided that from that moment, things needed to change. Because otherwise people were going to be able to do that to me for the rest of my life, and I dont like that anyone has that kind of power over me. It was time for a change. I guess, I use to just brush it off, but now, Im holding onto it, and im changing it. Im making a decision that I am going to see through, even if it kills me {dear God, please dont kill me} I dont really know how to articulate it without sounding silly, but, I guess, the best way to describe it, is I want to be able to go into any shop that I want, and be able to pick anything off the rack, and not worry about looking like an idiot because it doesnt fit over my ass or my stomach, or my hips. Now of course I know that loosing weight isnt going to solve my problems. And Im certianly not looking for it to do so, but I am hoping that with this fresh start comes a fresh hope for me. And I know that I can do it. I know that I dont need that chocolate bar, or that bag of candy, or that extra scoop of icecream {my weakness lies in sweet stuff!} and I know I can make this work, and that I can feel pretty and happy.

Yesterday I brought a gym membership.This is going to be the biggest battle. Convincing myself that spending an hour or so in a sweaty gym is a good idea. I hate the idea of gyms being places people can show off their toned muscles or how fit they are {clearly, because im neither fit nor muscley nor toned. gyms = nightmare!} The gym that I have joined is a local YMCA gym, so hopefully poser proof because its not the flashest. But it has all the equipment and the trainers all seem really nice. I just have to be really disciplined. {Make like Nike, and Just Do It! right?} Its definitely going to be a struggle, but I am committed that it wont be a waste of money, and I am sure once I see some results {please Jesus dont let me down!} that I will be more commited and less adverse to running on a treadmill {oh what have I got myself into to}

Of course it isnt just exersise. Its all about cutting out the crap that I eat because Im lazy. {I have no problem admitting this to myself, or you for that matter} I need to get more organised with my eating, and get to a place where I can snack on healthy foods and make qucik and easy healthy alternatives for dinner... this is where you come in! Anyone got any quick delicious and low fat recipes that they wanna share? I would be super greatful, because right now Im still a little puzzled on the food side of thing. Though I am sure that will fall into place. I ate breakfast this morning for the first time in about 4 months. My metabolism is probably already freaking out!

So thats the update. Im sure that I will post more about this journey that I have started. And well, hopefully I will see some good results and be able to stop being that 'big' girl that I have been all my life, and maybe, just maybe, be recognised for my face, not the size of my waist.


  1. Oh Tillie! I know exactly how you feel and where you're at. I've been down the weight loss road at least a hundred times, but this time, I hope that it's the last time I go down this road.

    I feel exactly the same, in that I want to be able to go into any store and buy anything and have it look good. I have often joked that it's a good thing I'm not thin, because if clothes fit me in all the stores I went into, I'd be broke!

    I'm more looking towards a life change, not just losing weight. I've also joined a gym, and I'm eating better. I am NOT denying myself a single scoop of ice cream, but I will deny myself the second or third scoop. I won't the crap food every night, but it's unrealistic to deny myself forever. I've done that. It's the quickest way to fall off the wagon.

    Any help or support you need, I've got your back, especially since I'm doing the same thing right now!

    Ka pai on your commitment and new journey, lovely lady!! x

  2. i think you are absolutely perfect right now, but if you aren't happy and want to make a change then more power to you.

    i go the gym 3 or 4 times a week, and trust me you will get in to the swing of it, it really does make you feel good after you've been.

    i wish you the best of luck with this, i know you will be able to achieve what you want because youu are a strong amazing person.

    and i hope you know that everybody here supports you and is here for you

  3. Aw Till, thanks for sharing this with us. I find it really does help hold you accountable.. And we're here to support you where as some of those women you have posted about before will be set on tearing you down..

    You just do what you wanna do. I'm sure there are plenty of girls who will have advice/tips, when you need it. I recently joined a gym and the first few times were horrifying! I couldn't get machines to work, there was no one there to help me, heck sometimes I couldn't get the door open.... HAHA.

    And maybe the gym won't be for you.. if you find you hate it, then simple walking/running could be the key. I have podcasts for The Couch To 5K program and they're pretty cool.. Anyway, enough ramblings.

    Good luck with your journey, remember we're here every step of the way :)

  4. I admire your resolve! Personally I am terrible at exercising regularly, but I do enjoy a lot of healthy foods (although I have a weakness for sweets as well, but I try to make my splurges really worth it). Good luck!

    I'll be keeping an eye out for healthy recipes for you. One of my favorites is tabbouleh salad, but I don't know how readily you can get bulgur wheat in your area, plus it involves a lot of chopping so while the recipe is easy I don't know that it's quick. But if I think of any others I'll let you know!

  5. Thank you so much for sharing! It can definitely be hard to CHOOSE the gym. My family was never health crazy and both of my parents were either overweight or obese. That has been my motivator this past year to get in at least some exercise.

    During summer what motivates me to get the gym is purely the fact that I have nothing else to do. After I get off work I eat dinner and go to the gym because if I don't I'll sit around watching tv all day (not interesting to me). Although during the school year what TRULY helps me is having a workout buddy. I've actually found that my closest friends do NOT work for this position. We know each other too well and we can figure out ways to get out of it. I teamed up with a girl I knew from high school and we met twice a week at the gym. Plus with two people you can do more "fun" workouts! Raquetball, tennis, or basketball are good options.

    Food is the biggest challenge for me. :( I agree, I don't like to take the time to cook on some days. Then I tend to grab whatever. Recently I've been more motivated so I'll buy fruit and then soon as I get it home from the store I cut it up so it's easy to eat later when I'm in a rush.

    I've actually found a number of healthy recipes! I am giving vegetarianism a trial run (have been since December) and my boyfriend and I cook a lot of veggie meals together. Or at least sides. One that I just made recently was Cauliflower Pita Pockets. It was also really simple and I love garlic, onions, and cauliflower. I recommend Vegetarian Times site if you're cool with veggie food!

  6. Love your honesty and determination! I want you to know first and foremost that you are a beautiful person already. Please do not ever forget that.

    I know that you will get tons of advice and that can be overwhelming when you are starting something new. One piece of advice I have is to set goals for yourself. This is so important. Also don't deprive yourself of your treats. My good friend Emil is a trainer and I've had success with his approach which you can read about here:

    Way to go Tillie!

  7. oh tillie, thank you for having the courage to hit "post" (trust me, i know how scary it is!) because look at the support you've already had. And if any girl can relate to any battle it's their own weight. YOU CAN DO THIS. and you will!!! i agree with Paige- you're absolutely perfect now but if it's not what you want to see when you look in the mirror-- YOU can make those little changes. It's empowering when you set a goal and you believe in it... i believe in you.

    when my life was crumbling, i went for a run. a sweaty run. it clears your head and you feel better afterwards even if it sucks in the moment (cos who thinks running is fun? right?)

    as for foods... well i am no cook BUT i am a vegetarian and let me tell you... SOY GROUNDS? amazing! you can make tacos or spaghetti sauce with them and i swear to you, they are better than meat. Even my meat eating friends agree.

    check it out... tillie, it is GOOD! i promise you, cos even though i'm a vegetarian, i'm a girl who LOVES to eat. :) let me know what you think!

    also the 100 calorie snacks are awesome to carry around. I love the shortbread cookies!

    CHEERS to you my sweetest friend!!! i know you can do it and see amazing results.


  8. You're very brave posting this, whilst I'm not small now, I used to be a LOT bigger. Actually I was 120kg big. When I met Rich and realised we were "serious" I decided I needed to lose weight as I realised I wasn't going to live a long life if I didn't.

    Also like you I was big my whole life and spend much of my life being bullied about it.

    I don't know who made a nasty comment about you but that's not cool, I've always thought you were beautiful with a great passion for life! You're an awesome girl and I'm glad to have met you.

    When I started to lose weight I went to the gym with my friend Sue, I agree that a gym buddy is a great idea if they are also committed to going.

    Later on I switched to walking, I never learnt to drive (a shocker I know) so I just ended up walking everywhere instead of taking a bus - to work, to town, to another suburb to visit a friend. An evening at the movies may not burn many calories but if you walk half an hour there and half and hour back it will help:)

    Best of luck and remeber you are awesome.

  9. Tillie honey! I just love your honesty, but your beautiful on the outside AND on the inside, where it matters most!
    If I need something yummy that will fill my stomach without making me feel awful I eat a nice fresh salad. Keep some herbs in your garden/fridge like: rocket, selection of lettuces, tomatoes, basil, purple onions, croutons, already-fried + chopped bacon bits (fry it in olive oil for extra healthy) and salad dressing! Now, all you have to do when you're tired and starving after the gym is open the fridge and put all of this together! :)
    Keep going, Tillie! If you ever want a pick-me-up, let me know + I will send you a letter!


  10. Oh hun this is very real and very brave of you to share on here. I'm glad you have got so many lovely supportive comments so far :)
    Everyone knows you are gorgeous (like seriously you always have the best hair and make-up) and funny and have a great personality already but I know that it is not enough when you are not happy with yourself. So as long as you are doing this for yourself and not for all the dumbasses out there then you have my support 100%! And you have definitely inspired me to get my ass back to the gym xx

  11. I'm hating that you dont live in my town. let alone my country. if you did I would wear daggy clothes and sweat with you,
    thinking of you my love.

  12. I love that you are happy with being 'you'! I think you are beautiful inside and out but I certainly understand the need to feel healthier and to be able to buy clothes off the rack!
    Well done for being brave enough to post! Sounds like we will be all here to support you along the way, at least online, if not in person xx

  13. I have been in your position many times and here are my two cents
    1) Work out with another person, either a friend, a stranger you have seen at the gym - or my personal favorite is taking classes. It helps to keep you both accountable and things are more fun with others
    2) Just change one thing at a time, anything more and you will just get overwhelmed. So maybe you make going to the gym 3x a week your first goal and then slowly fix your sweets addiction (my weakness as well)

    You can totally do this!

  14. Regardless of beauty, the fact stands that you want to make a change and I think that's wonderful. Change is often feared instead of embraced, so you've put forth a lot of courage just in saying that word.

    I found a lot of inspiration from a fellow mail-blogger Belen. She set a weight goal for a certain month. She didn't meet it, but lost 20 lbs and is continuing to hit up the gym. I always took "get off your butt and do something about it!" from her posts. She is actually doing something to create change.

    I started working out last year in October. I'm not a large woman, but I would get out of breath from one staircase. I actually got dizzy a few times. I couldn't lift a soup can without gasping. I didn't want to be so weak and out of shape anymore!

    The first week was awful. It was so difficult to get into that mindset. I was doing a DVD. You know it's easiest to just say "i'll do it later", except you never get to the time when later is now.

    I stuck to it though. I started to do a DVD workout (some were 20 minutes, some were 40).

    Just a couple weeks ago I joined the gym. I couldn't watch the same DVD again! The best part about the gym is the variety. Not only are there a lot of types of people, there are so many options in regards to what you'll do.

    I tend to go at 7:30am or earlier. I find that this is a peaceful time where everyone keeps to themselves. Try to find the best time suited for you and you can probably find some like-minded people to talk to. It keeps you motivated and happy to go back.

    You'll have moments where you'll want to talk yourself out of it and I'll tell you what a friend of mind said to me. It's really helped.

    He said, "If I'm arguing with myself over doing something or not doing it, I just do it."

    So, if I catch myself saying, "I should go...but I could go later...but maybe I should go now..." I just go and get it over with.

  15. My dearest Tillie <3
    I am so proud of you. It's not an easy thing to do, and I recognise many of my own thoughts in what you're writing.
    I have always been "stubby", short and wide..

    I hate to work out in front of people. The gym has been a complete nightmare. I recommend you get a gymbuddy. It's alot easier to work out if you have someone you trust by your side, doing the same shit as you do.
    I hate guys flexing and skinny girls showing off their butts and iron stomachs, while I'm swetting and hyperventilating..

    Good luck! You can do it!
    (I'll check my cookbook and send you some recipes in my letter;D )

    xx Sophie

  16. I"m so impressed with your bravery and honesty, and wish you all the luck in the world in this journey. I'm a vegetarian and love veggies and even like to cook, so I'll be thinking of some delicious recipes for you . . . xoxo!